how close i was to ending everything...
I’ve met some of the raddest women from Instagram. Met is a loose term because most I haven’t met in person. We’ve connected through this app in a way I never thought was possible. I can’t be the only one who feels like best friends with peeps I’ve never met.. right?!
Jenn was one of those.
Someone I just immediately synced with.
Her realness, her freckles and her super happy posts became infectious.
My aunt committed suicide. I know, i know. That escalated quickly but how does one even start this conversation. You guys it was devastating and to be honest sometimes still is. No words can describe this loss in a way to do it any real justice. I still haven't written a blog post because I haven't found the words I need.
My family talked about how we’d share her story. Not sharing that it was suicide didn’t even seem like an option. Suicide is confusing, it’s messy and painful. The emotions swing… guilt, anger and gratitude are some I could feel all at once.
As part of a fitness group online where they rely on my participation, I felt I owed them some sort of explanation to my absence. Not expecting at all what I got. I got phone calls, texts and DM’s filled with love. Love from women I’ve never met in person, who I’ve never had the chance to hug but here they were. My squad.
Jenn was one of those that just really went above and beyond. Not just once but for months. She shared her story, her realness with me. She's one of the good ones, in fact she's one of the best ones. Here's her letter to me and to you. Please stay.
what some call a solution to solve any and all problems. the only solution for ending the pain and absolute emptiness that one might feel. it’s scary and almost surreal to think about just how close i was to ending everything.
the pain, the suffering, the emotions - always feeling empty. an endless feeling of hatred toward myself. worthless and never good enough for the world in front of me and the people around me. i would continue to smile, i would continue to tell other’s “i’m okay” and continue to act as though nothing was wrong. i got better at pretending, i got better at hiding my emotions, i found ways to make myself numb until i hit rock bottom. it wasn’t easy, it was a long and treacherous climb back to self stability. but the one constant my parents kept telling me that everything was going to be okay, i just had to keep looking forward. little by little i got better and i learned that i needed another outlet to get myself to a better place where i used to depend on other things to take away my feelings and pain. i realized that the best thing way to get me to shift my focus was by picking up a hobby to get my mind away from that mindset and that void that i needed filled because it was the only way to help me. that was when i turned back to fitness. obviously i knew that fitness would also give me the endorphins i needed in order to help me come out of my depressed state but little did i know that fitness would soon become my new escape on the road to recovery. recovery is a process. there are some days when everything is going wrong and the bills, the work stress, the relationship battles and disheartening friendships seem impossibly daunting. realize it will be okay. it will take time, things won’t go as planned and sometimes things fall apart for others to fall into place, it’s happening because there are larger opportunities in place for those that are occurring. ask for help, ask for assistance, speak your mind and realize that recovery will take work, but it is worth every little bit of effort you put forth.
if i were to take my life it would have been pretty damn selfish but i also would have missed out on a variety of opportunities that this life has to offer for me. not all days have been the best nor have the been the prettiest but they haven’t been the worst. they have been bad but they’re bearable because of the family i have, the friendships i’ve maintained and the community i’ve found and build through sharing my passion for health and fitness. i’ve continued to look forward and see the best within every situation, sometimes it takes time to realize why you are put in a position but it only happens for a reason. throughout these last few years i have realized it’s your life, you can make of it what you want and you’ve only got one so why not make it the absolute best you can with what you were given and i was given an amazing family, friendships and health and fitness community to help keep me going.
i’ve been able to stay.
stay and be surprised by all the change that can happen just within a year.
stay and see all the birthdays (yours and others’), new babies, new friends, and new adventures you’ll get to experience.
stay and see the opportunities unfold.
stay and be loved and be able to love someone.
but most of all stay and learn to love yourself.
i believe in you, even if you can’t believe in yourself right now. i believe in you, but you’ve just got to promise we’ll get through this together if you stay.